30 October 2009

In Praise of Crack-Addled Vaudvillian Entertainment, AKA "Transformers 2"

I'm going to blast my "indie cred," if there's any such thing into the water here.  I'm going to obliterate it.  In fact, I may demolish any critical integrity I may have.  But, I don't care.  Because Optimus Prime wouldn't care.  And that's how I roll.

I'm going to defend Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

If I were to take an intensely critical look at the movie, I would say it's a piece of shit.  It's filled with plot holes, groan-inducing exposition, leg humping robots, jive-talking gold-toothed twin robots,  dump truck testicles, Michael Bay's patented "drunken T-Ball spinning shots," copious amounts of beautiful women being camera fucked at every turn, Michael Bay-action-gasms, useless characters, John Turturro overacting, Shia LeBeouf even more unbelievable as a college freshman, and a clichéd scene of an "average joe" oblivious to everything going on.

But you know what? I took my critical eye out for two and a half hours and watched exactly what a "film" like Transformers is expected to deliver: robots kicking the shit out of each other.  And I had FUN.

Yes, I sat back and watched a $200 million seizure-inducing ejaculation of testosterone, and loved every second of it that robots were kicking the shit out of each other.

I know that it's "cool" to bash Michael Bay.   To be honest, I hate him more for making Meat Loaf music videos.

With the exception of The Island (which was not bad at all), every single one of his films has turned a profit.  He makes studios money, and the biggest of all - he makes entertaining flicks.

I don't look at Michael Bay flicks as capital F Films, capital C Cinema, or capital M Movies.  They're flicks. They're fun.  They're the one night stands of the movie world.  You get drunk, maybe use a fake name, enjoy yourself, move on, and forget to call three days later.

Michael Bay movies area the Cheez-Its of the movie biz, if you will.  Cheez-Its covered in EZ-Cheez,  and topped off with a yarder of beer.  Not the smartest thing in the world, you'll lose a few brain cells, but it was fun while it lasted.

Have we forgotten how to have fun at the movies?  Do we always have to be "intellectually stimulated" as cinema-goers?

I'm sorry, but going into a $200 million Michael Bay movie and expecting a grand cinematic experience, a conversation starter, a critical darling of nuance and depth is just delusional.  It's vaudevillian entertainment on steroids, crack, crystal meth and a 2,000 gallon IV drip of Red Bull.

Just have fun.


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