11 February 2010

Two Months

by Tyler Weaver.  Follow me on Twitter.

Though I made a commitment to post only once per week to give my wonderful and talented collaborators and contributors room for their articles to breathe, live, and become, in the lingo of the Twitterverse, retweeted, I wanted to take a moment to pontificate on the past two months of my life.

Unfortunately, there will be no picture or witticism in this post.  This is a selfish post.  It's more to get it out of my system than anything.  Read it.  Don't read it.  I'm fine with talking to myself. 

As of today, it has been two months since I began my time among the unemployed.

In December, it was mutually decided that the Foundation to which I had dedicated four years of my life would no longer pay for my services, and would move everyone to a volunteer basis.  In full disclosure, I was the final paid member, the Executive Director of the Foundation, and I harbor no ill will towards my colleagues or those that came before me, and under whose guidance I grew as a creative and human being.

I am a college drop-out. In 2004, I made the extraordinarily difficult decision to close my training in music composition at Berklee College of Music (for a variety of unimportant reasons), and branch out into the world of film.  Whether or not this was a mistake is purely my cross to bear, and I feel neither one way or the other about it.  It is what it is, and I make no excuses for it.

Since that time, I have worked in wine stores, in one of which I met the love of my life (whom I hated with a passion at the beginning, but now bestow upon her the nickname "Dear Frog"); in the other, I was robbed, pasted all over Fox news in Boston, then eventually fired, accused of stealing money - namely because I didn't fight the robber to the death, and instead let him get away with $900, which he then blew at Foxwoods Casino, before being captured the next night.

I then spent four years at my former employ, first as a part time intern, then full time archivist, multimedia specialist, and ultimately, Executive Director and Vice President (a position which I still hold, though I am officially on sabbatical as I hunt for monetary employment).

I have had many successes and legions of failure.   All of which were learning experiences.  And now I feel I am on the greatest learning experience of my life.

I could be angry at the seeming hopelessness of the situation.  The dangers are very real, and I could, with my varied background and lack of "schooling" in more "realistic" endeavours, end up a statistic, lose my home and other things I hold dear.

I could complain about it.  I could rage against the world, blaming it for my problems.  I could take it out on my loved ones, and those that love me.  And I have.  The past two months have been a whirlwind of emotion, vascilating back and forth between dogged determination and hopelessness.

But I endure.

I do it because I have made a life (and career) out of never waiting for other people to do things for me.  I accept my legion of faults.  I accept that I'm not the nicest guy in the world, or that I sometimes don't play well with others. But I strive to transcend them.

I am a filmmaker.  I am a filmmaker without a finished script at the moment (and three projects in the pipeline).  I am impatient with myself that I have not churned out a film since GATHER 'ROUND THE MIC last year. I blame no one but myself for this.  I am a neurotic perfectionist (though I'm rapidly improving - and my writing partnership with Paul Klein has been a sanity saver).

The blame lies squarely on my shoulders.  And I am fine with that.  It is what it is.   But what I will not do is waste time being angry about it.  Complaining is nothing but the manifestation of envy, doubt, and lack of ideas pushed towards non-constructive ends.

I'm interested in solutions.

I created Multi-Hyphenate for one simple reason: I wanted to.  It was a fun project, and gave me something to do.  I make no money from this endeavour, nor do I intend to.  What I intend to do is publish things by people whose work I respect, and who inspire me to be a better human being.  That is my preferred monetary payment at the moment.

It keeps me fresh.  It keeps me working.  And it keeps me inspired.  Inspired to move forward with scripts, with projects, and to never give up.  Because I refuse to laze about expecting others to solve problems for me.

It's that mantra that keeps me going. "I'm interested in solutions."  It's that mantra that has cemented over two months.  It's that mantra that has pushed me further, pushed me harder.  It's that mantra that makes me refuse to give into self pity, self doubt, and self loathing.

I am who I am.  I'm leading the life I built, and no one is going to solve it but me.

That's where I stand on this two month anniversary.  Verbose, driven, and refusing to back down.

I'm going to be OK.

Tyler Weaver is a filmmaker and unrelenting multi-hyphenate, a regular contributor to the pulptone.com website, and is the founder and EIC of Multi-Hyphenate... which you're reading right now.  He's currently making new things...


The Dark Scribe said...


You've handled a very difficult circumstance admirably. From where I stand, you've made a deliberate choice to respond (rather than react) to your situation, which speaks volumes about your strength, determination, and passion. The creative world is lucky to have you.

By the way, we are reading.

Oli Lewington said...

Hey Tyler,

First of all, don't beat yourself up - it doesn't help things and you've clearly got enough of a perspective on things to be able to deal with them and drive yourself forward.

Secondly, when you feel that you're struggling, take yourself back to a time when you know it was REALLY bad for you - I almost guarantee you can find one if you think hard enough.

I wrote this post http://tinyurl.com/yarnhbw
on my personal blog the night before my life changed forever, but being able to go back and read this reminds me that however low I think I've sunk right now, I'll never reach that low again until the day I actually kick the bucket.

Keep on truckin' and you'll get where you want to go. You're a hugely liked and respected force in the indie filmmaking world, as attributed by the number of people clamouring to be published on here.

Keep going and try to let yourself Smile Through It.

Tyler Weaver said...

Thanks for the kind words guys. Like I said, it was a "clear out the brain" post, and moving forward.

I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long time - the situation isn't the best, but I'm doing stuff I love doing, and moving forward with my life.

Thanks again!

Natasha Fondren said...

Tyler, I loved this post! So you're a musician-turned-writer, too?

I've really battled with some of these feelings, this year. My piano studio numbers dwindled, and I'd wanted to hit the road in my camper and write full-time, but still, I felt the sting of failure when I closed the studio. Even though this is what I've been wanting to do for a long time. Even though I'm happier than ever in my life. Even though this new life ROCKS.

But still. Oh well. Paul's right! :-)

Good luck, Tyler!

Tyler Weaver said...

Hi Natasha -

Indeed I am... though I was a closeted writer, even as a composer. Same thing really, it was storytelling - just squiggly black lines and circles that had to be heard to get the full picture.

I'm certainly the happiest I've been since my departure from the non-profit. Even though I do it all for free (right now), I'm doing something I love, which is, as was said in too many songs, simply the best.

Thanks for reading - and I hope the full RSS feed has been helpful ;)


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